One month later...

It's been one month since I received a phone call from Ben saying that he was involved in a shooting.  We've done a lot of "if this, then this..." or "what if..." and had lots of conversations about the events.  We've both dealt with the replays in our minds.  Obviously Ben's are more vivid ... and well, real.  Whereas my imaginary replays lead me down all sorts of roads that no one wants to go on.

And through this journey we've been discouraged, angry, a little fearful and fighting bitterness.

But, those things have begun to fade.  And we see clearer each day that God's plan stands firm in the midst of trials. A wonderful friend wrote me a note the other day in which she said, "It's so neat to hear how God is using this entire tragic event, for His good, and how you guys have seen the opportunity through it all.  Reminds me of this verse in Genesis (50:20) where Joseph is speaking to his brothers, 'As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive.'"

And so we make it our goal to bring about good and not allow Mumford, Clayton or the devil to have a foothold in our lives.

We have been incredibly blessed to befamily (it's like befriending, only better) Dennis and Tammy Cain. Dennis is the chief of Sumner who was shot in the arm, hand and neck.  In the month that has passed we have seen them at least 7 times.  Ben has prayed with them on two different occasions and our church body has been abundantly providing for their needs through prayer, meals, money and gift cards.  They have truly helped us be Christ to the Cains.

We have seen a need in the police community that we have not seen before ... at least not at this magnitude.  The need that we see is that police officers and their spouses (especially in small town Iowa) can be very lonely and in need of friendship.  Needing someone to listen and to hear the cry of their hearts.  Needing someone to help carry the burden.

Because while most people complain about that Pig that arrested their cousin (twice removed) on a drug charge that caused him to lose his job and his kids... nevermind that said cousin was manufacturing meth in his home with his young children there and already about to lose his job because he was too strung out to get to work... somehow we fail to realize that that Pig and his wife are longing for a friend to hear their side of the story. 

And our hope is that God will give us a ministry to lonely, worn out, burdened officers and their spouses.  We are thankful for the opportunity to bring the good news of Jesus to Dennis and Tammy.  We are thankful to invite them to be a part of our family of families.  And the reality is that they are just really fun people to be around.  They are carrying this burden with grace and laughter... strength, dignity and determination.  We are blessed just to know them.

And it all started with a call on the radio of shots fired.

Knock it off...

**Full disclosure I don't have all the facts and I am completely biased**

You're still reading this?  Even after the warning?  Hmmmm...

From what I can tell, last night a Waterloo Police officer answered a call of shots fired at a local bar (who would think that alcohol and guns don't mix well?).  Upon arrival the officer sees the suspect pointing a gun at a crowd of people.  The officer yells out to the suspect to drop the gun.

The suspect takes off gun in hand.

During a foot chase the suspect steps out from behind a tree.
The officer fires, shooting him in the head and kills the man.

White cop. Black suspect.

In the courts of public opinion the cop is a murderer.  In the courts of public opinion the officer should have shot him in the leg, injuring him and then made the arrest.  In the courts of public opinion if the suspect was white the cop would never have shot him in the first place.

The public will want you to remember that this poor young man has a family.  He has a mother.  He lost his life at such a young age and he never had the chance to turn his life around.  The cop is a dirt bag who had other options. He is a racist pig that woke up and thought, "If I get the chance I'm going to murder an innocent young black man."

And I have so many things I would like to say to the courts of public opinion.  But, mostly I would like to say, "Knock it off."

Seriously,  "Knock. It. Off."

1. An innocent responsible human being with any regard for life does not shoot a gun in a place full of people.

2. An innocent responsible human being with any regard for life does not point a gun at a group of people.

3.  An innocent responsible human being with any regard for life who hears, "Drop the gun!" yelled from a police officer does not ignore the officer and take off running.

4. An innocent responsible human being with any regard for life does not jump out from behind a tree at an officer who's in pursuit of him.

A person who willingly puts other lives at danger is not innocent.

Do not think for a second that this officer went home and was okay.  His life has forever changed.  He will lay up at night wondering, "What if..." On the off chance that he falls asleep it won't be long before he is jolted awake by images of the incident.  While he was doing his job, this is not something that any officer hopes for.

He will forever be labeled a murderer.  He will forever have people question his split second decision.  He will be called horrible names and hated be people who have never met him.

Furthermore, the officer followed his training.   He is not a racist.  He is not a jerk.

So to the courts of public opinion I would say this: No matter how much Monday Morning Quarterbacking you will do the truth remains: the officer was doing his job. And he did it well.

Train her in the way she should go...

Today I play the role of the mean mom.  Actually I play the role of great wife helping mean dad be a great parent!

It's not much fun.

Our oldest is being trained in the way she should go and it's not an easy task.  But, we don't often find much value in easy tasks.  You, see she wrote a letter to her younger sister saying things about her brother that were not at all glorifying to God.  In short, she was mean.  She wrote mean things with the intent to hurt her brother and she wanted her sister to help.

Of course this breaks my heart.  I love my daughters.  I love my sons.  I want to protect them from mean spirited things.  Especially when it comes from a family member.  Family should protect each other, not cause harm.

Upon finding the letter I was unsure if she meant it to be mean or if it was a part of a game.  So I asked her to read the note to me.  Her face went immediately white and the tears started to pour when she read it aloud to me.  I called her dad in on the conversation and made her read it to him.  She sobbed.  He had to reread the note when she was done.

It's bad to get caught by mom.  It's torture to be caught in being mean by your daddy.

So Ben declared that she would have to apologize to her brother and her sister.  She would not be allowed to watch TV today.  Or read. Or color. Or write.  Or play with toys.  Or get on the computer. Or play the Wii.

She can do her homework.  She can do extra homework.  She can read her Bible.  She can listen to KNWS.  She can memorize verse for Awana.  She can do chores.  She can lay in bed.  She can sit and stare into space.

This morning she came into my room and told me that she was having a hard time not reading.  There are words everywhere and she's trying to obey, but it's soooo hard.

This afternoon she came into the kitchen crying and saying that she felt left out.  She said that she was miserable.

I told her that I was glad.  That was the point.  And I am glad.  I hope this is the most miserable, awful day of her life.  I hope that she feels lonely and sad.  Because I want her to repent.  I want her to understand that there are consequences to her actions.  We live in a world where all too often we don't discipline our kids because we don't want to hurt their feelings or ruin their self-esteems.

If her feelings are hurt it will be her own fault.  She made the choice to write the note and she made the choice to try to hurt someone else.  If her self-esteem takes a blow it will be because she understands that she should consider others more highly than herself... and yesterday she failed to do that.  I hope that this will make her into a kinder more considerate person.  I pray that we will train her to be a lover of others instead of a lover of self.  I pray that she will love others with the love that Christ has loved her.

I want her to learn these lessons now.  While she's in our house.  So that her dad and I can build her back up and assure her that no matter how bad she fails that we will still love her.  We will do everything in our power to make sure that she knows that she is valuable to us.  More importantly we will also make sure that she understands that once she confesses her sin and turns from it that our Father is faithful to forgive her.

If we don't train our children to care about others then we will visit them in jail later on in life.  That is too great a price and our children deserve more.  So today is a hard day.  But, I believe that it is worth it. 

I am not afraid.

I am not afraid.

When Ben decided to go back to regular duty last Friday I was not afraid.  Above all I was thankful.  I wanted to get back to normal.  I wanted him to get back on the horse.

It doesn't mean that we were okay.  It doesn't mean that we were healed from the shooting.  It doesn't mean that we were ignorant of what could have been or that we were "normal" ... we will never be accused of that!

But, my husband is a warrior.  He was born a warrior and he will always be a warrior.  He is not the kind of man to sit on the sidelines or to cower in the shadows.  He will be on the front lines and he will defend the weak against the evil of this world.  And I love that about him!  I deeply admire him and pray that our sons will have that same character. 

He is my protector and he is darn good at it.

When he graduated from the academy he promised me that he would always come home to me.  He promised that he wouldn't get shot.  And so far he has done an excellent job of keeping that promise.

When I hear Ben loading his gun in the morning I pray that God will keep him safe.  I pray that he will never have to use his gun, but if he does that He will be faster and more accurate than the other guy.  And so far God has faithfully honored that prayer.

I am proud to be a wife of a cop.  It's an honor.  I hope I wear it with half the dignity that my husband fulfills his duties as a police officer.

Officer Daddy at his academy graduation with Hannah, Benjamin and Emma.  

See, I told you he's a warrior!  And he's pretty much Hotsauce. ;)

The week after...

It's already been a week since the robbery.

An incredibly emotional and exhausting week.

Most people that I've discussed the events with come back with the same response 8 out of 10 times.  They will say, "Whew.  Praise the Lord that He was looking out for Ben! Glad it's over now and you can rejoice in that."

Yes. Praise the Lord, Ben's okay.  Yes, I know Ben's days are numbered and God holds each day in His hand.  Yes, there's no better place to be than in God's hand or in God's will.  I know, I know.  Your cliches are well appreciated.

I know that I have regurgitated these same thoughts.  But, honestly, sometimes I look at people and want to just shake my head and walk away.  Other times I want to scream, "What do you know?  Shut up!"

Maybe I'm being too hard on people.  But, the reality is that someone tried to murder my husband last Tuesday.  If you're a wife I want you to say this aloud, "Some one tried to murder my husband."  Now imagine saying that when it's true.

Glad it's over now?  In what universe is this over with now?  Today Ben called from work to tell me to call the locker and let them know how we want our pig butchered.  I hung up and Hannah looks at me and says, "Please tell me he wasn't in another chase."

Fast forward 2 hours to lunch.  Gabe is praying, "Please God, don't let anyone shoot at Daddy or his car today."  And I thought Gabe had no idea what was going on!?  Jack, who parrots everything that Gabe says, told me as I was getting him ready for his nap, "Mama, before I sleep I'm gonna pray that nobody shoots Daddy, just like Gabe does."

It's not over for us.

If you want to help please just ask how we're doing.  No advice, no wisdom, no "If I were you..."

And pray.  Pray that we will heal emotionally and that we will have the wisdom to lead our children through this...