Out of the belly.

I was listening to "It is well with my soul" (the version by 4Him) and was thinking how can make sure that it is well with my children's souls?  That whatever their lot they will be able to say, "It is well with my soul."  Even though Satan shall attack they will stand firm in their faith and not be swayed.

They have all professed faith in Jesus.  They are all so very young too.  They have not had many blows to their faith.

Mamas want to protect their babies from the things of this world that would break their hearts and their spirits.  We don't want them to feel the crushing pain of the betrayal of a friend, the pain of lost love, sorrow of the death of a spouse or child, the despair of poverty, the desperation of a failed marriage, the fear of having been diagnosed with cancer... and oh so many other things.

But the awful wonderful truth is that these are the things that make you decide what you really believe.  These are the moments that make you decide if the One you put your trust in can really make things well with your soul.

I remember well a time of great trial in my personal life.  It was a time of great sorrow, anger and the deepest darkest pain I have ever experienced.  While I'm a very open person this trial was not one that I shared with those closest to me.  In fact I turned to my "inner circle" of just three people that I feel like God choose for such a time as this.  And even within that circle there was one prayer warrior that had a great impact on my life... almost always giving the wisdom I needed and also knowing when to just silently help me carry my burden.  Yet, even with my inner circle there was still an overwhelming feeling of being alone.

Trials of this kind are hard enough.  But there seemed to be no one able to fully understand the desperation of my heart, for no one had ever carried my burden before.  At least no one in my inner circle and no one that I was willing to bear my heart to.  I feared that if I shared what I was going through that I would be shunned by those who meant the most to me and even if they didn't shun me our relationship would undoubtedly be forever changed.  So, I remained steadfast in my resolve to carry this burden in private relying on the prayers of those who knew of my breaking heart and shattering life.

It wasn't enough.  Undoubtedly there was power in their prayers.  And I recognized their wisdom for the truth of God and went to work at putting their advice into practice, but ultimately the despair always returned.  And in those darkest hours my anger turned toward God.  Because I believe that He is sovereign,  I believe that He could have prevented my pain,  He could have taken my trial away long before I had to walk through the pain that threatened to take my life.

But, He didn't.

And I was mad.

So mad that I would choke on His name as I began to pray again.  I began to doubt if He could really heal me.  If He did heal me, I imagined that I would always walk around with metaphoric limp.  Healing at that point became a hopeless journey.  My faith was deeply wavering and I was sinking further and further into my own despair.

At sometime along this journey when the pain was too much to carry any longer, when I thought that I would surely drown in my own vain imaginations and when Satan's voice became loud... I began to sing.

The song I sang most went like this...
Father, I adore you,
I lay my life before you,
How I love you.

Jesus, I adore you,
I lay my life before you,
How I love you.

Spirit, I adore you,
I lay my life before you,
How I love you.

Because it's such a simple song to sing it became easy to do it over and over and over again without much thought.  I didn't have to worry about messing up the lyrics or when the chorus began or all the other things I think about when I sing.

Instead I was just able to sing many times through the pain.  I was able to stop thinking about the things that threatened to destroy me. The more I sang the more I wanted to sing (of course not where anyone could hear me) and little by little my anger began to fade.

I began to change the lyrics a little...
Father, I adore you,
I lay my heart before you,
How I love you.

Jesus, I adore you,
I lay my life before you,
How I need you.

Spirit, I adore you,
I lay my mind before you,
How I want you.

And as I sang it I began to notice that I began to believe it.  Instead of running from the God I blamed, I began to cling to the Father I needed, that I wanted more than anything.

In that clinging I realized that this trial, though incredibly hard and painful, made my God very real.  I had always claimed to be steadfast in my faith and unconditional in my love...but perhaps I was more like the  Peter who denied His Savior than the Peter whom Jesus built His church on.  Perhaps the most precious place to be is in the belly of a great fish.  A place where the only One who could possibly save you is the One who created the great fish.

It was through this trial that I can say that I know without a doubt that I love my God.  I can trust Him for the good even in the midst of great sorrow.  And though I never want to go back in the belly, I know that I was never alone.  My Father was there every step of the way and he has made my heart more beautiful than it was before, for He has made my heart more like His own.

While there is still a part of me that desperately hopes that my children will never experience the pain that I have walked through, I also trust that God is more than able to bring them out of the belly.

It really is well with my soul.