Imagine, if you will, waking up an hour after your alarm was supposed to go off. You quickly remember that you still have 2.5 hours before you need to be anywhere so there's no need to panic. You grab your Bible and start reading. You send off a few text messages all before your feet hit the floor.
Not a bad start to a rather warm January morning.
Realizing that you have paint in your hair from projects that you worked on the day before you decide that a nice shower is in order. As you pull back the curtain to step in you hear what sounds like a herd of elephants racing past the bathroom door and down the stairs.
You might think to yourself ..."What in the world are they doing?"
Before you complete that thought you hear a horrible shriek and your stomach sinks. Something is not right and you have a feeling you know what's going on. You have a split second decision to make, ignore the panic outside the bathroom or quickly hop into the shower and allow your children to fend for themselves.
Soon your oldest screams, "MMMMMMMooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy!"
And before she says anything you can predict what she's going to say next.
"There's a bbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaatttttttt!!!!!!"
And even though you knew she was going to say it your stomach drops a little bit lower.
Great. Just great. Nothing like fighting bats off naked.
Grabbing a towel you duck into your room and grab clothes because there is no way, and I mean NO.WAY., you're going to have that killer bat attack you in the nude. Plus chasing after a bat while swinging a tennis racket in the nude will do nothing but scar your children for life. It will. I promise. Don't do it.
Once dressed, complete with winter boots, because even bare feet is too much skin exposed for bat chasing, you get your courage up to whack the bat. At this point it was last seen in your sons' bedroom and you just have to locate the tennis racket.
Why is it that you're tiptoeing through the house? The bat has no idea what you're up to and doesn't know that you're coming for him. If the herd of elephants didn't scare him off your normal walking won't tip him off.
Time to put your man pants on and get the job done. Finding the tennis racket you work up your courage and open the door a crack. Sure enough the bat is flying in circles around the room. You quickly shut the door and swallow the girlie squeal that's stuck in your throat.
As you look down the stairs you see your herd of elephants looking back at you. You consider posting a guard outside the door all day and leaving it in there until your better more courageous half gets home. You decide that this is not a viable option.
Again you find the courage to duck back into the room only it's not flying around anymore. You may have missed your chance... oh, but then you see it hanging in a corner. If only you brought the BB gun instead of the racket.
You shut the door and go on a wild manhunt for the BB gun; that you have never shot but are completely confident that if you could only get your hands on it your inner sharp shooting skills will prevail over your inexperience.
No luck finding the gun. Probably better that way, you decide.
You determine that this has gone on long enough and you prepare yourself for your final stand. Racket in hand, courage in your heart, elephants silently cheering you on with their big innocent eyes you slowly open the door and see that the killer vampire bat (so common to Iowa) is back flying in a pattern.
You take one weak initial swing missing the bat horribly. But, in response that ugly monster switches his direction. For whatever reason you switch the racket to your other hand, thinking that the direction of his flight pattern determines which hand your required to use (I think this was covered at the Geneva Convention). Another awkward swing at the bat and you start to doubt that you can do this.
Quick pep talk reminds you that you've done this at least 10 times before and that you really can do it. Pep talk works and you stand up tall, shoulders back and take a final swing.
Success! He falls to the ground among a pile of marble run pieces. You quickly run over and see that he's still breathing. You will not fall apart now. You yell for the oldest boy elephant to grab a shovel, before realizing that a shovel may be overkill. Grabbing a nearby box you scoop him into it with the racket and run wildly to the door where the littlest elephant is staring at you with wide eyes. You may start hollering at him to open the door and as his chubby fingers fail to open a door a third time you may be convinced that the bat will regain consciousness and somehow find his way out of the box before your young chubby elephant will get that door open.
Before you know it the door is opened and your flinging the bat onto the front yard.
At this point you expect news crews to show up at your doorstep and ask you how you did it. You will look stronger, taller and sexier than you ever have before and you will have not only have the respect and admiration of 5 adorable elephants, but the entire world will pat you on the back as you walk down the street.
I know because it happened to me once.
Update:
Killer bat remains in front yard.
Not a bad start to a rather warm January morning.
Realizing that you have paint in your hair from projects that you worked on the day before you decide that a nice shower is in order. As you pull back the curtain to step in you hear what sounds like a herd of elephants racing past the bathroom door and down the stairs.
You might think to yourself ..."What in the world are they doing?"
Before you complete that thought you hear a horrible shriek and your stomach sinks. Something is not right and you have a feeling you know what's going on. You have a split second decision to make, ignore the panic outside the bathroom or quickly hop into the shower and allow your children to fend for themselves.
Soon your oldest screams, "MMMMMMMooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy!"
And before she says anything you can predict what she's going to say next.
"There's a bbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaatttttttt!!!!!!"
And even though you knew she was going to say it your stomach drops a little bit lower.
Great. Just great. Nothing like fighting bats off naked.
Grabbing a towel you duck into your room and grab clothes because there is no way, and I mean NO.WAY., you're going to have that killer bat attack you in the nude. Plus chasing after a bat while swinging a tennis racket in the nude will do nothing but scar your children for life. It will. I promise. Don't do it.
Once dressed, complete with winter boots, because even bare feet is too much skin exposed for bat chasing, you get your courage up to whack the bat. At this point it was last seen in your sons' bedroom and you just have to locate the tennis racket.
Why is it that you're tiptoeing through the house? The bat has no idea what you're up to and doesn't know that you're coming for him. If the herd of elephants didn't scare him off your normal walking won't tip him off.
Time to put your man pants on and get the job done. Finding the tennis racket you work up your courage and open the door a crack. Sure enough the bat is flying in circles around the room. You quickly shut the door and swallow the girlie squeal that's stuck in your throat.
As you look down the stairs you see your herd of elephants looking back at you. You consider posting a guard outside the door all day and leaving it in there until your better more courageous half gets home. You decide that this is not a viable option.
Again you find the courage to duck back into the room only it's not flying around anymore. You may have missed your chance... oh, but then you see it hanging in a corner. If only you brought the BB gun instead of the racket.
You shut the door and go on a wild manhunt for the BB gun; that you have never shot but are completely confident that if you could only get your hands on it your inner sharp shooting skills will prevail over your inexperience.
No luck finding the gun. Probably better that way, you decide.
You determine that this has gone on long enough and you prepare yourself for your final stand. Racket in hand, courage in your heart, elephants silently cheering you on with their big innocent eyes you slowly open the door and see that the killer vampire bat (so common to Iowa) is back flying in a pattern.
You take one weak initial swing missing the bat horribly. But, in response that ugly monster switches his direction. For whatever reason you switch the racket to your other hand, thinking that the direction of his flight pattern determines which hand your required to use (I think this was covered at the Geneva Convention). Another awkward swing at the bat and you start to doubt that you can do this.
Quick pep talk reminds you that you've done this at least 10 times before and that you really can do it. Pep talk works and you stand up tall, shoulders back and take a final swing.
Success! He falls to the ground among a pile of marble run pieces. You quickly run over and see that he's still breathing. You will not fall apart now. You yell for the oldest boy elephant to grab a shovel, before realizing that a shovel may be overkill. Grabbing a nearby box you scoop him into it with the racket and run wildly to the door where the littlest elephant is staring at you with wide eyes. You may start hollering at him to open the door and as his chubby fingers fail to open a door a third time you may be convinced that the bat will regain consciousness and somehow find his way out of the box before your young chubby elephant will get that door open.
Before you know it the door is opened and your flinging the bat onto the front yard.
At this point you expect news crews to show up at your doorstep and ask you how you did it. You will look stronger, taller and sexier than you ever have before and you will have not only have the respect and admiration of 5 adorable elephants, but the entire world will pat you on the back as you walk down the street.
I know because it happened to me once.
Update:
Killer bat remains in front yard.
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